River Wife

The second river wife

I’m falling for Sarai, but I want her to feel free to follow her path without any emotional responsibility for me.  I can handle anything at this point and I like being inside my own fantasy.  I share bits of this fantasy with her and she draws back and she gives me a look;  a look a young girl gives that crazy clown standing on the corner of the school in his free time.  It mostly says ‘soooo creepy’.  I also says ‘hey stranger’.  Sometimes the weird guy with a vision changes everything.  Sometimes he’s too weird and does not think about the jarring impact of his existence.  That’s why our kind have a moral framework built around the spectacles we build.  We play god and determine the rules of what is a positive direction to guide the rivers on the land.  If I am good at this, I learn from my mistakes.  I figure out some rules I put in to place are not working and change them.  Unfortunately, sometimes you hurt people while trying to figure this out.  Fortunately, I’ve been fine tuning my rules my whole life, so they’re pretty solid at this point.  I have the confidence to run even weirder with less guilt. This means, going all in without fear;  the fear is my impact to those that get wrapped up in this tornado.  The fear is never a selfish one, since god can’t be selfish.  It’s like that.  Not really, but in proper context.  Maybe the context will hit you a few more stories in.

There is a component of privilege at play here too.  I should mention that sooner than later.  I’ve always struggled with the concept of privilege.  I’ve rejected it my whole life.  Growing up in Iran makes you really see the corrupting power it can have if perspective is lost.  It usually is.  I never accepted that I had any privilege;  all my friends had real wealth and in comparison, I was the poor kid flying first class around the world with them.  I’m just figuring this out, yet it’s obvious to everyone around me.  I can’t just ignore it anymore and pretend like I’m not what I am.  Accepting it means a lot of things, and I’ve found a way to live with myself and rationalize this reality.  My kind, my people, my tribe, my colleagues… I won’t put the label on it yet… but we, are uniquely different.  Our energy is more powerful.  We are faster, stronger and more determined.  We have an internally imposed value system that inspires trust.  I’m not saying we’re better people and we deserve more.  It just turns out that we get more because of how we are.  We can change the world to our liking and our nature provides us with abundance to do so.  I need to accept this and take ownership of my privilege.  You’d understand more if you had read the breakup proposal chapter, but I’m waiting to write that until we have a bit more confluence… it’s coming and it’s funny.  Yeah, I can see in to the future, but everyone can if they look up just for a couple of minutes.  It’s not magic.